I think you can only truly help others if you are completely honest about EVERYTHING. So today I'm going to share a story not many people now...
It's probably the worst idea to do when you're having an anxiety disorder: use drugs. The only reason I do use it a couple times a year, is so I don't feel my physical pain for a short while. I have chronic back/neck/shoulder issues and I just need to not feel that for a moment sometimes. But drugs intensify you're feelings. So when I do use drugs those couple times a year to not feel my physical pain, it will make my anxiety's worse...
So there I was: trying to make the decision if I was going to take drugs or just stick with alcohol... But I was so fed up with my back problems and all... So I did.
"Paranoid when I sleep, but when I’m high, I’m happy That’s why I need to kiss the sky when I get stuck in the valley"
What happens then is that I wait for the drugs to kick in. By the time I'm starting to feel it my heart starts pounding faster, my anxiety's kick in faster and I get the feeling I can have a panic attack at any moment now. Then the anxiety's kick in harder and I start to feel like everyone is watching me and judging me. The little demon on my shoulder starts talking, saying things like: "best decision you could make🙄". Yeah, I know, it's stupid, fuck off!
When the drugs fully kick in, the anxiety's will get less and less. In the end they won't bother me. So for a couple of hours I don't feel my physical pain and I don't feel my mental pain. Those are probably the best hours of the day.
Then there is the moment the drugs will diminish. I feel that moment is coming as soon as I start to feel my neck and shoulders again. Than my back pain comes back. The anxiety's are coming back.. And that's probably the moment I decide to take some more "I'm not ready to feel yet...." The second bad decision I made...
At some point my husband and I went home and went to bed. When I "sleep" after I used drugs it feels like I don't sleep. My mind is working overtime, so I don't get much of a chance to actually rest.
The day after is the worst... I wake up like I didn't sleep at all! My anxiety's gain full control over my mind. I can't seem to convert them or tell the little demon to shut the fuck up. The only thing I can seem to do is just let them wash over me and make me feel even more worthless. From that moment on there is like this big dark cloud surrounding me. I feel fucked up, I think I'm fucked up and there is absolutely nothing that can change that.
Every time this happens I decide that I'm never going to do this again... I shouldn't make myself feel this worthless, alone, not loved, ignored... But still, after a couple months, when my physical pain is killing me and my anxiety is bringing me a lot of negativity, It crosses my mind. When I go out my demons tell me "Why not, you can't probably feel any worse atm". And that is the moment I start to think about the couple of hours I won't be feeling anything like that. It starts to become more appealing the more I think about it. And eventually I believe my demons when they tell me I couldn't possibly feel any worse, so I take drugs again. And the whole cycle starts all over again.
So for those of you out there with a mental illness: SAY NO TO DRUGS! It just isn't worth it, you deserve to feel so much better... Please don't make the same mistakes I do, just SAY NO!
When I'm going out and I just stick with drinking alcohol and water, I don't feel that fucked up afterwards, but I do have a nice evening. So I'm going to say NO next time my demons are telling me to just take drugs. I'm going to say NO to drugs and just stick with alcohol and water.
